Feeling My Way

28 Mar

The day begins slow.  The morning is cold and slow to warm.  The place is new and I am lost within, empty.  I don’t brush my teeth, I just want to be happy.  I am mourning the loss of Sarah’s presence.  She is in New York.  The sun is on, I look out to three mountains on a lake.  The dogs are free to roam a healthy sized green field.  Olivia explores.  Shae pants while laying at my feet.  A black Chihuahua ironically named sunshine follows Olivia from a distance.  Two mountains on one side one in front of the other.  I am trying to make peace with where I am.  The opposite side is another mountain.  In between the mountains is a low place that curves down as to form a bowl.  Shae makes her way under Skyhorse to find shade, her coat is long.


A loud Spanish speaking man is talking to two small children who are swinging intermittently.  My ankles, lower legs and waist are covered in bite marks from days prior.  My body itches, it’s hard to focus.  I keep looking around.  Small black flies are on my legs, I’m unsure if they are making the situation worse.  Olivia is at a neighbor’s Ford Aerostar.  She circles it standing on her hind legs taking it all in, looking for food.  A ten year old boy approaches, making dog call noises while snapping his fingers with his arm extended towards her.  Olivia draws a towards him for a moment and wags.  She goes back to the Aerostar.  I’m trying to be in the moment.  My mood softens.  Boats glide criss crossing the lake.  The water gives the sense of home.

Eleven months straight day and night I’ve been with her living in a 14’x8′ space and sleeping in a 1964 Cessna 310 fuselage.  Yet I’m not rejoicing in the space I have without her.  I’m immobilized without her energy.  The sun gives life but the soul has its own type of sun.  Sarah is my sun.


I’m telling myself today is for the pups.  Let them roam free and remember their wild nature.  Olivia is far and I’m mildly worried.  Sarah would have wrangled her back by now.  I’m super glad the dogs are with me.  We are a pack.  Olivia pees as usual with one leg up.  She goes further challenging her boundaries.  I bring her closer with a treat and Shae at my side.  A boat almost arrives at the shore.  I think about launching the kayak.  Man I love my dogs.



Nothing fits.  I look out to my surroundings.  The more I sense the calmer I am.  If you can feel it, it has meaning.  I move to the shade.  My body cools and wind pushes all over me.  A cool breeze make me happy.  I walk over to a shy boy in a bathing suit at the pool.  He is fearful of some dogs.  I introduce Shae and Olivia to ease his discomfort.  His chest is on the concrete while his waist is in the pool.  I move to a concrete table and bench with a metal umbrella.  Unappealing materials for a natural setting.  Shae has left my side to roam.  The boy is submerged in the pool.  I miss my childhood days swimming in our backyard pool with my yellow lab, Hercules.  One time I got him to jump off the diving board before the insurance man declared the board unsafe and made us remove it.  Hercules and I owned the summers in that pool.  He will always be a dear friend.  Hell he swam in it by himself in the winters.  Shae comes to my feet.  Olivia hears my call and joins us.  He swims alone although he has four siblings.  You can’t connect with people on all levels even if they are family.  But the the more levels you connect with someone else the more beautiful the friendship.  It’s rare but profound.  It’s hard for me to make friends.

Four worker clumsily disassemble an outdoor tent.  Sounds of metal and awkward body movements.  The clouds cluster on every point of the mountains.  Shae and the boy lay in similar positions.  Shae prefers the shade.  A sound is let out.  I’m unsure if it was the boy or Shae.  I’m recovering from spending time in Guatemala City.  Big cities are so gluttonous.  They lack natural space.  Where do the souls of city dwellers find rest?  He moves to a different spot along the pool.

Each day we race to fill our lives with things.  The brief moments I have spent watching this morning, I could spend weeks unpacking them.  Nature encourages a slow rhyme of quality.  I am learning to love silence.

The boy’s sister comes in bright clothing close to her brother.  Her movements seem to mock his enjoyment of the water.  She leaves quickly.  He stays a while longer to hold fast to himself.  Maybe I will take a kayak ride.


8 Responses to “Feeling My Way”

  1. Ken higgins March 28, 2014 at 9:42 pm #

    Hani, you are a beautiful writer! I get a perfect picture of what you are experiencing! So sorry you’re without Sarah. Hope it’s not for long. I love reading about all of your experiences! It sounds like your trip has been amazing!
    Are you coming back to Key West ? We hope so!
    Be safe and keep having fun!
    Ken & Mary Gay Higgins
    ( we live at the corner of Margaret and Eaton… In the pink house with the porch)

    • Hani March 28, 2014 at 10:35 pm #

      Thanks Ken. I have you and Mary Gay are well. Where and when we land somewhere is still up in the air.

  2. Huda March 28, 2014 at 10:45 pm #

    I love that you say Sarah is your sun and your energy. You two are meant to be together in this journey called life…Miss you guys. Post more often.

    • Hani March 28, 2014 at 11:56 pm #

      Thanks Huda. We will have to meet up at club equinox and eat joe’s key lime pie.

  3. Chris March 29, 2014 at 12:18 am #

    Sounds like a good time. Being alone can be good.

    • Hani March 29, 2014 at 12:32 am #

      It’s good medicine.

    • Sarah March 29, 2014 at 3:25 am #

      Up yours Francis 🙂

  4. Zia March 29, 2014 at 4:05 am #

    Sounds like you’re ready.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: